280 Dad Jokes

Everyone likes to have a laugh from time to time, but when it comes to those classic dad jokes that you hear once in a while, they can either raise the roof, or bring the house collapsing down. 

Whether you already have a whole host of dad jokes at your disposal to simply looking to find the corniest jokes, we have something for everyone. With that in mind, let us take a look at some of the best, corniest and funniest dad jokes around.

 

Dad Jokes: 150 Best Dad Jokes and One-Liners

Best Dad Jokes
Dad Joke

What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates.

Why did Novak Djokovic pay for his flight to Australia with a Mastercard? Because his Visa didn’t work.

Who is the most lonely billionaire? Alone musk.

I asked 10 people what LGTBQ standed for… Couldn’t get a straight answer!

What is the scariest tree? BamBOO!

My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart.

What do you call a coupon-using vampire? Suckers for deals!

Why do standup comedians perform poorly in Hawaii? Because the audience only responds in a low ha.

Why can’t you send a duck to space? Because the bill would be astronomical.

I once got fired from a canned juice factory. Apparently I couldn’t concentrate.

Where do you find a cow with no legs? Wherever you left it.

Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn. Remains to be seen.

What do you call Bill Gates when he’s flying? A Bill-in-air.

Why did Karen press Ctrl+Shift+Delete? Because she wanted to see the task manager.

What language do people speak in the middle of the earth? Core-ean

Why are bakers so rich? They make so much dough.

I’m really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined. Tuesday is open Mike night!

I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD. It was here a minute ago.

What do call a criminal landing an airplane? ConDescending.

Why does Waldo wear a striped shirt? Because he doesn’t want to be spotted.

How do you get a blind person to see? Usually by boat.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper? A fizzician.

Why didn’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe.

My son got angry when I told him “Sky is the limit for you”.
He wants to be an astronaut.

Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.

If sweet dreams are made of cheese… Who am I to dis-a-brie?

What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle.

Did you know that bees are actually allergic to pollen? They break out in hives.

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. I now have Heinzsight.

I had a great joke about COVID… but I don’t wanna spread it around.

What do you call Father Christmas in an orange suit? Fanta Claus.

How did the pirate get his ship so cheap? It was on sail..

What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO.

I’m starting a flight company exclusively for bald people, I’ll call it… Receding airlines.

Did you hear about the cheese that’s been working out? Dude’s shredded

What do you need to make a small fortune on Wall Street?
A large fortune.

I used to hate facial hair…but then it grew on me.

How do you follow Will Smith in the snow? You follow the fresh prints.

What did Adam say to his GF on the 24th of December?
It’s Christmas Eve.

What did the big flower say to the tiny flower? “Hey there bud!”

My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.

What do you call an obese psychic? A four-chin teller.

How does a non-binary samurai kill people? They/Them.

Friend: “Bro, can you pass me that pamphlet?”
Me: “Brochure”

What do you call a mom who turns into a dad? Transparent.

Whoever stole my depression medication: I hope you’re happy.

I’ve been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure it’s better than sitting around doing nothing.

I finally got around to watching that documentary on clocks. It was about time.

Her: I’m leaving. I am sick of you wearing a different t shirt every half an hour.
Me: Wait. I can change.

Why does Sherlock Holmes love Mexican restaurants? They give him good case ideas.

Why did Hitler wear eye glasses? Because without them he could Nazi.

What did the Japanese cannibal eat for dinner? Raw men

Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.

The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence.

What do you call a zombie who cooks stir fries? Dead man wok-ing

Which cat is the least loyal? A cheetah.

What do you call a beehive without an exit? UnBeeLeaveable!

How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.

It’s brave to admit you have an STD. Always clap for those folks!

Boss: How’s that new glue?
Me: 👌

What crime do blacksmiths most commonly get charged with? Forgery.

To the person who stole my place in the queue. I’m after you now.

I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were available.
She looked up and whispered, “They’re right behind you”.

My therapist told me I have problems with verbalising my emotions. Can’t say I’m suprised.

How does a boar sign its name? With a pig pen.

Doctor: I think your DNA is backwards.
ME: …And?

So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world.

Vin Diesel eats two meals a day. Breakfast and breakfurious.

Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.

What did the shy pebble wish for? That he was a little boulder.

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Sorry, we don’t serve food here.’

What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.

Why haven’t aliens visited our Solar System yet? They looked at the reviews… only 1 star!

Just paid $200 for a belt that doesn’t fit! What a huge waist!

I’m finally upgrading from 1080p to 4K in January. It’s my new years resolution.

What do you call a magician who loses his magic? Ian.

Why is the letter A like a flower? Because a “b” comes after it!

Lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother… Sudden Lee.

I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus. Thats how I lost my job as a bus driver.

What do you call a flying priest? A bird of pray.

I was researching about Atheism. Turns out it’s a non-prophet organization.

Why do astronauts use linux? because you can’t open windows in space.

Where do terrorists go when they die? Everywhere.

Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the boat doc.

Did you hear the joke about the wandering nun? She was a Roman Catholic.

I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!

What do you call a typo on a headstone? A grave mistake.

What do you call two octopuses that look the same? Itenticle.

I named my dog “5 miles.” So that I could frequently say, “I am going to walk 5 miles now.”

What group of people never get angry? Nomads.

How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor.

What did one hat say to the other? Stay here! I’m going on ahead.

Did you hear about the french general who stepped on a landmine? Napoleon Blown Apart.

My wife told me to pick up 8 cans of soda on my way home from work…
She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up

What happens when you don’t pay your exorcist? You get repossessed.

Why don’t restaurants serve noodles after 10:00 PM? It’s pasta bedtime.

Dad: I named you after my father.
After my father: I know

I can sum up 2021 in one word. Five 🙂

What religion are crows? Birddism.

SpongeBob may be the main character of the show. But Patrick is the star.

What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He becomes Jason Nomoa.

Why do balloons hate Ed Sheeran concerts? They are afraid of pop music.

I wasn’t expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind. It really came out of the purple.

The guy who stole my diary died yesterday. My thoughts are with his family.

Why do plants hate math? It gives them square roots…

What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination? “Hand eeeeeyeeeee……”

I saw a 1000 year old oil stain… It was from ancient Greece.

It takes guts to be an organ donor.

How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while.

I was in a grocery store when a man started to throw cheese, butter and yoghurt at me. How Dairy!

I had a fun childhood. My dad used to push me down the hill in old tires. They were Goodyears.

What’s the easiest way to burn 1000 calories? Leave the pizza in the oven.

My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!

Why are skeletons such bad liars? You can see right through them.

Why did Eminem prefer the Johnson & Johnson vaccine? You only get one shot.

I’m an expert at picking leaves and heating them in water. It’s my special tea.

What do you say to your sister when she’s crying? Are you having a Crisis?

Where do pancakes rise? In the yeast.

Why do old plumbers only clean sewer lines during the day?
It’s because they can’t see sh!t at night.

Sore throats are a pain in the neck.

When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?

I’ll never tell my accountant a joke again. He just depreciates them.

Do you wanna box for your leftovers? No, but I’ll wrestle you for them.

Why do vampires have no friends? They suck. 

It hurts me to say this, but … I have a sore throat.

What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.

What’s a horse’s number one priority when voting? The stable economy!

My psychiatrist says I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge. We’ll see about that…

How do moths swim? Using the butterfly stroke.

My printer’s name is Bob Marley. Because it’s always jammin’.

What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.

What’s a computer’s favorite snack? Microchips!

I don’t trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.

When my wife is depressed I let her color in my tattoos. She just wants a shoulder to crayon.

What is the opposite of ladies fingers? Mentos

I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but graphing is where I draw the line.

What do you call a zombie’s butt? Deadass

My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it. So i bought her a candle.

Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump… But that’s comparing apples to oranges.

I just got a promotion at the farm. I’m the new CIEIO.

Finally my winter fat has gone… Now, I have spring rolls.

Why is it a bad idea to iron a four leaf clover? Because you shouldn’t press your luck!

Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.

What would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator.

There was once a king who was only 12 inches tall! Terrible king, but made a great ruler.

How do you make the number one disappear? You add “g” and it’s GONE

What do you call an angry carrot? A steamed veggie.

Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll.

What do you call Batman when he’s hurt? Bruised Wayne.

Why did the spoon come to the party dressed as a knife? The invitation said to look sharp.

What did one hat say to the other? Stay here! I’m going on ahead.

My son knocked a picture of himself off the shelf.
He looked devastated. I told him, “Don’t worry about it, champ. Pick yourself up”.

What do you call a group of deaf people? I don’t know. But it is definitely not heard.

What do you call a duck that‘s addicted? A quackhead.

My wife wants me to blow air on her whenever she overheats, but honestly… … I’m not a fan.

My doctor told me I’m going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.

The best gift I ever received was a broken drum. You can’t beat that.

Remember that joke I told you about the chiropractor? It was about a weak back.

If you slap Dwayne Johnsons butt… You officially hit rock bottom.

Why do pregnant cows have so much energy?
They’re heavily calfinated

How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut.

What is the fastest growing city in the world? Capital of Ireland. It’s Dublin everyday.

I only believe in 12.5% of the Bible. Because I am an eighth-theist.

My new sweater had a problem with static so I returned it. They gave me a new one free of charge.

What’s the difference between a dad joke and a bad joke? The direction the first letter faces.

If those dad jokes got you laughing off your seats, then the next set is bound to please. If you are a father who has children, whether that be young or old, rest assured that these next jokes will give you enough ammunition at your child’s birthday party or graduation. 

Whether that leaves a long-lasting impression for the right reasons all depends on the delivery. But having a good dad joke is already half the battle won. 

 

50 Corny Dad Jokes 2022

Corny Dad Jokes
Dad Joke

What did the tomato say to the other tomato during a race? Ketchup

Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.

Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many Cheetahs

What do you call bees that produce milk? Boo-Bees

I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I’m just a bit slow.

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.

How does a squid go into battle? Well-Armed

What kind of tea is hard to swallow? Reality

Why does Waldo wear stripes? He doesn’t want to be spotted.

Why don’t you buy things with Velcro? It’s a rip-off.

Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice.

How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.

What do cows most like to read? Cattle-logs.

How can you tell it’s a dogwood tree? By the bark.

15 When is a door not a door? When it’s ajar.

When do computers overheat? When they need to vent.

How do you catch a whole school of fish? With bookworms.

How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles.

Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.

Can February March? No, but April May!

How do vampires start letters? Tomb it may concern.

How Do Fish Get High? Seaweed

Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack. 

What do you call a sad strawberry? A blue strawberry. 

Where did the cat go after losing its tail? To the retail store. 

If Apple made a car, would it have Windows?

This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder. 

It really takes guts to be an organ donor.

Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!

What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes.

What do you call someone who loves reading? A book keeper. 

I lost an electron. Are you positive? 

What lights up a soccer stadium? A soccer match. 

What kind of music do planets like? Neptunes. 

What do you call a mountain of cats? Meow-tain. 

What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1

What do houses wear? An address.

What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight.

What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.

“Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.”

Why can’t your ear be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.

What did the policeman say to the belly button? “You’re under a-vest.”

How do you define a farmer? Someone who is good in their field.

Why was the broom late for work? It over-swept.

What do you call a man named David without an ID? Dav.

How do you make Lady Gaga mad? Poke her face.

I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet.

If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.

I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.

It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.

And if you are still with me, then these final set of dad jokes will round your arsenal, preparing you for any situation. Bear in mind, however, that not all jokes immediately get people laughing. Laughter is a subjective concept, as ultimately one joke can divide a room on polar opposite sides. That is why the next is bound to have something for everyone. 

 

50 Funny Dad Jokes 2022

— Hilarious Dad Jokes

Funny Dad Jokes
Dad Joke

What’s the opposite of artificial intelligence? Natural stupidity

Should you have your whole family for Thanksgiving dinner? No, you should just stick with turkey.

What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree!

Why do we tell actors to break a leg? Because every play has a cast.

Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you! You have my Word!

6 What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener.

I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.

If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do elves get? Mistle-toes.

What’s an astronaut’s favorite candy? A Mars bar.

I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.

Why did the bullet end up losing his job? He got fired.

I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now.

The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.

What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!

What do skateboarders do when they are really good? They GoPro

I can kayak. Canoe?

Why are toilets always so good at poker? They always get a flush

Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands

Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing.

Knock knock. Who’s there? Déja. Déja who? Knock knock.

What did the full glass say to the empty glass? You look drunk.

Want to hear a pizza joke? Nahhh, it’s too cheesy!

What do you call a dog that’s been run over by a steamroller? Spot!

What do you call a bear with no teeth A gummy bear!

Why did the ghost go to rehab? He was addicted to boos.

Why doesn’t Dracula have any friends? Well, honestly, he’s a real pain in the neck.

My teachers told me I’d never amount to much since I procrastinate so much. I told them, “Just you wait!”

Why were they called the “dark ages?” Because there were a lot of knights.

What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.

I was kidnapped by mimes once. They did unspeakable things to me.

What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale.

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they’re not laughing now! Wait…

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu—you get what you deserve.

What did the mayonnaise say when the refrigerator door was opened? Close the door, I’m dressing.

What is the opposite of a croissant? A happy uncle.

What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.

What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor? “Make me one with everything.”

You know why you never see elephants hiding up in trees? Because they’re really good at it.

What was the man feeling after he got swindled right under Big Ben? He was ticked off.  

Which branch of the military accepts toddlers? The infantry.

What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.

Two aerials get married. The ceremony was rubbish – but the reception was brilliant.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day – but I couldn’t find any.

Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! The Empire State Building can’t jump.

Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bagels.

What do you call malware on a Kindle? A bookworm.

I have a clean conscience—it’s never been used.

Went to the corner shop – bought four corners

You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he’s a Catholic converter.

Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says: Oi – get out. We don’t want your type here. Beef jerky.

 

So there you have it! Which dad joke did you enjoy the most? And was there something you think we missed out on? And do these dad jokes make you feel more confident, or do they do the opposite. 

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